Lady of Death
Are you curious about death, dying, and the funeral industry in Australia?
Join us as we chat and learn from experts from funeral directors, to embalmers, from those who create floral arrangements to photo presentations and so many more. We will gain insights and have open and important conversations about this topic that is so often shrouded in mystery.
Hopefully you will come away enlightened and have a deeper understanding of this essential part of life!
Lady of Death
Embracing Death with Grace: A Funeral Director's Journey
From the moment four-year-old Ellese Templeton announced to her aghast mum that she wanted to become a mortician, a remarkable journey began. Twenty years later, Ellese owns Templeton Family Funerals, a thriving boutique funeral home where perfection isn't just a goal—it's a calling.
Ellese's path was anything but conventional. Breaking into the male-dominated funeral industry as a young woman proved challenging, leading her to work night shifts handling coroner's transfers while maintaining a day job. With nothing but a sticker declaring her dream and unwavering family support, she launched her business, growing from 20 funerals in her first year to approximately 400 annually today.
What makes this conversation particularly compelling is Ellese's philosophy about creating the perfect farewell. Her meticulous attention to detail, like bowls of the deceased's favourite candy—stems from a profound respect for the families she serves. "I am their voice," she explains, describing how she protects grieving families while helping them navigate decisions they're often unprepared to make.
Join us for this candid conversation with a woman who has made it her life's work to perfect the art of saying goodbye. Whether you're curious about the funeral industry or seeking wisdom about life's most universal experience, Ellese's journey offers rare insights that will change how you think about death, dignity, and what constitutes the perfect farewell.
Contact Templeton Family Funerals: (03) 9706 9555
ellese@templetonfamilyfunerals.com.au
templetonfamilyfunerals.com.au
Have questions about death, dying or the funeral industry? Email ask@ladyofdeath.com.au to have them answered in a future episode.
My guest today is Ellese Templeton from Templeton Family Funerals. Welcome, Ellese. Tell me about yourself. Who do you live with? What's your role?
Ellese:So to tell you about myself, I'm a mum of two children, (R: two gorgeous children) Two gorgeous children. My daughter is turning nine next week and I also have a six-year-old son who is in grade one and my daughter is in grade three. I'm a busy full-time business owner and life is absolutely crazy between family life, my husband is a wonderful supporter of allowing me to run my business, my funeral directing business and between, yeah, family, funerals, phones, work-life balance what can I say, If I get any lunch?
Robyn:Who knows work-life balance right? (E: There's no such thing.) So tell us how you came to work in the funeral industry. You know where did you start, the roles you've had?
Ellese:Well, mine's an interesting story as it all starts when I was four, I wanted to be a mortician. I wanted to be a funeral director and, as a four-year-old, I explained this to my mother, who was horrified, but at the same time, uh, kind of let me, um, pursue this dream. And at the ages of five and six, I'm walking through cemeteries. I'm interested, I'm intrigued. First ever meeting with the funeral director was at 12. Mum worked at a chiropractor and one of the clients was a funeral director, so he sat down with me and explained the ins and outs. From there my passion pretty much grew and by the time I finished high school, I wanted to get into the funeral industry, but it was extremely hard.
Robyn:One you were young, and two - you were female.
Ellese:It was very difficult. It was very difficult, it was very difficult and unless you have this life experience as all the companies used to say, you need life experience behind you. I really didn't have a chance being 18. So I ended up working at a local pub, at a hotel. I did day shift there and I landed a job for the coroner's transfers, which was very exciting. (R: Wow), so that was my step in.
Ellese:So that entailed me, at night time, between 6.30 pm to 6.30 am, I would be going around and anyone that had passed away of unnatural causes or anyone that had passed away that needed to be reported to the coroner, so a doctor wouldn't sign off on their passing. I was that person, I was front and centre at that moment, at that accident, and I would be taking care of that loved one and handing them to the coroners.
Robyn:That must have been a baptism of fire, because you would have seen some pretty horrific things.
Ellese:Yes, and at the start it was like a bit of an adrenaline because you never knew what the full ball entailed, where I was going, what I'm walking into, um. But at the same time it kind of just told me this is what I meant to do, and and being in a situation with such raw emotions. Like a funeral director now doesn't have that raw emotion of a person passing away 20 minutes ago, (R: right). So that really opened up to my mind, my eyes, to wanting to deal more with families. I really liked connecting with them or being there.
Ellese:So I continue to do this job and work at the pub because at 21, I bought a house and I had a mortgage to pay as well. So I did this until I then was offered into a company that would allow me to do the funeral side and learn and absorb, and my passion continued to grow and grow and I said to my mum I want to start my own, I want something that's not so traditional. I wanted and back then we're talking 20 years ago now, Robyn, 20 years ago- (R: it's scary, isn't it?)
Ellese:I'm only 41, but I was young. So 20 years ago, yeah, I started to learn and I saw something that I could provide to the industry and I said to mum "I'm going to do it. And I was very lucky, with the support of mum and my family and my nana, who's now 94 years old who's still around. They helped me, provided me a computer. I had nothing. I had nothing but a sticker in my kitchen to say this is my dream, this is what I want. And I was lucky that I had a funeral director that became a mentor another company and he said Ellese, I see something in you, I see that you will do really good and I will support you through this. So he allowed me to actually work alongside him until I could get my feet off the ground, forward things and start my own business.
Robyn:Because people don't realise the costs involved in starting a company like this.
Robyn:Even just the hearse, I mean we see hearses on the road and people have no concept of what they cost.
Ellese:Yeah, and also the time and hours to put into a business. This is not just any business, a funeral business - you are there 24 hours. (R: Yes), you can't shut the shop at 5 o'clock and go on a holiday at Christmas time. You need to be available for these grieving families and you need to be 100% dedicated and involved.
Robyn:And even in the early days, before you have staff or anything, you've got to be the everything.
Ellese:I was the everything yeah.
Robyn:And you've just got to kind of like step it through and do all that sort of stuff. I remember you telling me the story about when your mum came into the business and you went to see a family and your absolutely amazing mum was trying to learn the ropes and everybody thought that she was there to teach you, not the other way around, and I always remember that story
Ellese:And that's because people were afraid of my age.
Ellese:I always, as much as no one wants to get older, when you are young, and I had this little successful business, but people were afraid that because of my age, I didn't know what I was doing. So then Mum was my support and she would be at every arrangement with me, with the families, and the families were so happy with the end result and the communication and my attention to detail, and they would say to to my mmm um, you ladies are amazing, your daughter will be amazing. And then Mum would say, "well, actually it's her business, I'm supporting it. And they just could not believe it. (R: No), and still to this day, some of those families that I looked after back in 2008 will come back and say, unless you looked after my mum back then, yeah, now my uncle, someone's passed away and they are a part of my journey. I have this community behind me that is kind of really proud of where I've started, to where I am now.
Robyn:Oh, absolutely. It's such a great journey story. It really is. So you took the flying leap, you went out on your own. How long do you think that, because then your sister came into the business as well.
Ellese:Yeah, correct. So my sister joined the business. So at the start it was just myself and Mum doing everything, and then from there, my sister joined us we in my first year I did 20 funerals. Now that's actually a lot, a lot, um. But I still had a mortgage, it wasn't, I didn't make any any money, so (R: right), um, I had to still work at the pub, so I would do the graveyard shift of course, running and managing the pokies, and then during the day I'd market myself by going and meeting, back then you could go and meet the directors at nursing homes, you could introduce yourself. I did little speeches, little talks at events and just with Mum. She worked at the chiropractor and she was so proud of just this dream,
Robyn:Oh absolutely, so she should have been.
Ellese:She would talk to the clients at the chiropractor and make jokes you know about oh, I'm going in here and, don't you know, cut my back off. But all those people started to become a part of this journey and they actually would call us when someone passed. And that just grew. Bendigo Bank gave me my first loan. I was asked me for a credit card. I love Bendigo Bank.
Robyn:They take a risk.
Ellese:I told them my story. The lady at the bank, the manager. Her mum died within the year. She ran me.
Robyn:Right.
Ellese:She took that risk with me and all these families are taking this risk. We went 20 in the first year, 40 in the second year, 80 in the third year. You know now we are doing between uh wow, 400 was last year (R: wow) so, and we're still small, though we're still boutique, which is our main... wh at I love, the phone rings, and everyone in my team knows that Julie's just rung yes,
Robyn:what is your why? Why did you feel so much that? What is it that motivates you every day to because I know you are so particular about everything. What is your why that keeps you going like that?
Ellese:My why would be perfecting, the most perfect farewell for this family? I honestly, Robyn, when I do a funeral, the families I'm so like, put my arms around them to, not physically, I am in their bubble to listen to them, to help them, their minds are not working. So when I sit down with a person and I find out you know they loved pink, or their favourite, um, it could be anything, it can be a song, it could be my favourite thing is Minties, then I will start to think for them and say, okay, what about on the day we have a bowl of Minties and everyone can take one as we leave? Or what if we do this and what do we do that? And they're all ideas. Nothing is for them. I don't want to ever have families. Um, they're just ideas I kind of throw, to help them make decisions in time, because you're not thinking (R: no), but also perfecting it.
Ellese:So my coffin is center, I'm displaying the most perfect setup. I have a vision. I make sure my wheels are straight, everything is polished, perfect. The hearse we have two hearses, Yolanda and David, named after Mum and Dad that they are shining. Their wheels are perfect. When I am parking the car, the exit has enough room for my 100 people.
Ellese:All these very small details that make us, or make me so proud of being a funeral director. You know the way I walk to the music, the timing, the reflecting, the candle lighting and informing families. When they walk into that space, I I bring them in, I want them to have a moment, I want them to be present, know that I'm there to protect them, to keep people away, if needed, to invite those in. I am their voice and at the end, that funeral a lot of them are live streaming these days I go home and the first thing I do is pour a glass of wine and I re-watch my funeral and I go oh, I'm mad at that. Look at my walk, look at the way I have turned their loved one and invited the pallbearers forward, and they just did it all in sync and we are walking. It gives me chills. It honestly gives me chills. It's a real passion of mine. (R: Yes), and that's what I love. (R: There's nothing better than walking away from a funeral going. I couldn't have done it any better.)
Ellese:And even if something is a little bit different, there are spanners at services. Of course) I always reflect, have a brief about it and I say what could have have we done a little bit better, even if nothing happened wrong. But in my eyes I could have walked to the left, right, on the right, that went, I went in front of the camera. They don't want to see me, why was I on the wrong side? (R: Yes), something simple. But it's not a mistake, it's just I would have liked it more I don't know.
Robyn:It comes down to that perfectionist thing, doesn't it? Share with us how people react when you tell them you own a funeral company, so you're somewhere, nobody knows you, and they say, oh, what do you do? Yeah, how do people react?
Ellese:People actually look, go 10 years ago. Everyone goes, "whoa, you know, I can't believe that. That's crazy." These people actually know a little bit more about the industry. They're a little bit like oh yeah, and then they'll say so, what's that? Or you know when, how does that work? Or they may, the questions that actually open up, which is interesting, is more along the lines of myths that they actually want to know. So the funeral director's point is okay, I understand that, but do they really take a body out of a coffin before they get cremated. Or do they really do this? And then I'm like no, no, no, no, no, and then like, 'oh, okay, I didn't know that". So there's actually this. Everyone knows you, there's funeral directors. Everyone knows kind of what they do, that they plan a funeral, but everyone really doesn't know all those extra details about cremation and about what happens or the processes, I suppose (R: yeah for sure), there are a lot of questions that come to me once I know what I do.
Robyn:So why do you think that funerals are so important? Because you know a lot of people now are like oh, I'm just going to, you know, have a direct donation and you know I don't want my family to spend money and all the rest of it and I'm kind of like this bit of a hobby horse of mine of why funerals are so important. But I'd like to know why you think that funerals are so important.
Ellese:Well, believe it or not, Robyn, my business, at the moment we have 50% direct cremations and 50% services this year (R: Wow), even last year, so it has absolutely gone up. We do have, under the umbrella of Templeton, family Funerals, we do have Direct Cremations Melbourne, which I started actually six years ago. I don't know why, maybe it was gut feeling, (R: yes), that I started this, just this service for direct cremations. Honestly, I think funerals are important. The way someone farewells a loved one, it's totally up to them. A celebration of life needs to match that person and I understand, that you know someone younger, or has all these um family and friends that want that loved one to be there, be present in that farewell. That's really what it's about, it's whether or not you want that loved one to be there. I feel like myself, I want to be there because then I'm listening to it. Not that I am listening to it, but I'm listening to it. I'm in it.
Robyn:I want to see who's there, you know like they didn't come and see me for a long time.
Ellese:So there's no right or wrong answer to it. Yeah, I couldn't say anything's right or wrong. People that do do direct cremations. I am finding we're looking after the memorial service (R: Right) Because, again, depending on the amount of people in attendance, depending on the type of style of service, depending on how involved it is, they feel it is still stressful. It can still be a stressful time. They need an event planner to take over those roles. (R: Absolutely). They don't want to greet the guests on the day and hand the tissues and water out. That's what we're there for.
Ellese:We're there to make sure your music and everything's running good, that's our role and it's the same with when we have families that decide to say "but we'll run it ourselves, we don't need a cell phone, and then I say "that's okay, but let me just let you know what that means. That means we walk into the doors of the space. The room is yours, oh, oh. So you don't get up there and say, no, I'm not a celebrant. (R: No), those doors are opened. Someone, you need to pick someone to get up there and run it as an MC.
Ellese:"oh, no we need a celebrant" and I think that's where educating and this is where, again, I take um I take it very seriously about educating the families when they walk in here, that these are your options. You can do anything you want. Don't have a celebrant, don't have a funeral, don't have to run it yourself, but just know what you're dealing with, because once you're involved in it, once that day happens, then you afterwards go "oh, that was really stressful.
Robyn:Or "I wish I had thought of this, because they're not thinking straight and a celebrant can come in and say you know, "okay, so this is what you want. Have you thought about candle lighting? Or have you thought about something to involve grandchildren?
Ellese:No, they don't even know they're there. No, and that is our role, and that's what I take extremely seriously.
Robyn:So of that 50% that would have direct formations, what sort of percentage do you think would go on to have a memorial service?
Ellese:Of the 50%, I reckon probably 50%. Some of them literally are just "I'm just going to do a direct cremation and then we're going to have a dinner. Yes, that's it, and it also depends on the age of the person (R: that's right) and on their lifestyle.
Ellese:If the person was 99,. They say "there is no point have a celebrant to tell us mum's story when she has no friends left, it's just our family. We know we've been with her the whole time" and that totally makes sense. Absolutely so yes, go home, get in the garden, have your champagne cheers at home with your barbecue or whatever you want to do.
Robyn:Yeah.
Ellese:But other ones they do say, no, "we're going to do something at the RSL or we've organised a big thing at the football club. Dad was not a person that wanted his wishes were not to have his coffin there, but his ashes. There's that option as well. (R: Yeah), but obviously this does delay things. So if someone is cremated, you can't get the ashes for the same day of cremation. So that people families need to understand. If we get an inquiry, we always explain um, "if you do a direct cremation, are you planning on a memorial service? Yes, have you booked that in? Yes, we booked it in for two days later and you're like, you understand the ashes will not be ready. You need to delay things." because families have no idea again.
Robyn:That's right, (E: so they just think they can book things). S o that they say that the average person only ever organises one funeral in their lifetime. So if that's true, (E: my clients have been too much), yeah, and especially like us, where people just go, you know all about it, "we'll leave it to you, you know, and all that sort of stuff. But if you know, if, if that's true and we only kind of have that at one time, how you know it's, it's like any occupation. I was talking to a financial advisor yesterday and and I said, you know about financial advising stuff I've got no..... I have a financial advisor because I don't know anything about it. You know, what I do is the same sort of thing like I'm advising people about their funerals and stuff like that. So so what are your thoughts about how the funeral industry is as it is today? It's a loaded question.
Ellese:o know I'm like thinking ah, so as in, let me think, as the industry is today, I don't even know how that is a loaded question. Yeah, okay, I don't even know how. That is a loaded question.
Robyn:Yeah, okay, so you know, we know that, you know the majority, like you know, 48% of the industry is owned by one company, which is now American-owned. That people don't realise most of the time, but as far as you know, how difficult is it for a smaller funeral company like yours that doesn't have a million-dollar advertising budget? You know, and I always give people the example of there was a you know, part of the big company that took our financial advisor's grandmother into care and took her from the nursing home to their premises and then said to them oh, you know, "we've taken your mum into care, when would you like to meet with us? And so they met with them and they were presented with a quote $16,500. And so I became involved and I said you actually for what you want, you know, so they then changed to you and paid half of that amount. But as a small company you don't have a million dollars to spend on advertising. So how, how do smaller companies? Are they only relying on word of mouth?
Ellese:So with our, with our company. I don't know about the other smaller companies, but with our company it is word of mouth I do have a small budget on Google Ads. We do SEO, so there is advertising involved, but at the same time, being a small company, we only can take on so much work as well. Yes, so I do have, like other industry, you know, friendships with other companies that when we are at capacity that we will actually refer some of our clients to them. And the companies that we refer to are your family businesses, I think, small, family run and owned, and purely owned, yes, by the local family. Yes, um, really look after each other. I do do find that there's bigger companies. Look, we all need bigger companies out there, so different from Kmart and Target and all of those that's right). We need them.
Ellese:We need all of us. Yeah, we all tailor to suit all different types of the market and families. But at the same time, for the small companies I think majority of it is that word of mouth it is honestly showing your funeral. The day you have a service, especially with our company, we are advertising. That is us advertising. Our uniforms are advertising. Our look, our walk, our talk, our professionalism and finesse is what brings our business and the amount of funerals that come and say to us we attended and we want to go with you because we saw you in action.
Robyn:Yes, yeah, and that's you know, that's so true and,
Ellese:To be honest, I don't want to be a big player. I don't want to have 50 staff members. I don't want four branches. My one little place with my six staff member. Maybe I'll get another one, maybe. But all of that growing and growing and growing also brings up (R: Another whole lot.) It's a whole different kettle of fish , (R: a whole different issue it is).
Ellese:And then prices do have to go up. (R: Yes) I can look after families being boutique. Yes, I can be reasonable, I'm not the cheapest, there are cheaper companies, but my service (R: it's about quality) and I'm proud to say, I am proud to say how I will, I have no words for our own style of service. I love it.
Robyn:Yeah, and I think you know, like with that situation that I was talking about, you know what appealed to them was having all ladies, and you were able to provide that.
Ellese:We're all ladies. Well, not all ladies, I lie.
Ellese:(R:No, I know yes), so no, we are all ladies, you know, and we not only are a majority of them white women, we do have the boys involved as well, but we're family. We're family, yes, I work with my sister. That part is family. But we are a family as a team. (R: Yes), we all communicate as a team. That is our biggest thing is communication. We communicate with our clients, that also is different when you're ringing a big company, you go through to a switchboard that's in Sydney (R: That's right) and then you are divvied out. To what state are you calling? Or, after you call us, I'm literally in my office answering the phone. The business owner is answering the phone. My receptionist answers the phone and then she hands it to the person in the next office, that's there, mortuary's on site. Someone rings? "Did mum come with a ring?" I'll call you back. I go next door. I go and check mum. Yes, I call her back 10 minutes later, "yes, she has her ring on. Would you like it returned? The bigger companies obviously things aren't onsite. They have no idea. It is a data that comes in the name, that pulls up the details and hopefully everything's entered correctly.
Robyn:ou then, with a family business you know and this you know I've worked with a few that I really love, and yours is one of them. W hat happens, like when your darling mum died, then that affects not just you and your sister, but it affects the whole team because it was so family-oriented. So how do you work through those type of things?
Ellese:Do you know, what? To be honest, that is one of the hardest things and losing mum, so we've lost both our parents.
Robyn:Because your dad had died before you started the business right?
Ellese:So, dad died when I was 18. So I think he'd be quite proud he knew what I wanted to do.
Robyn:I think he would be too.
Ellese:He unfortunately didn't see it. With Mum, Mum got diagnosed with a brain tumour and it just shows you, I suppose, the dedication to our families at such a hard time, because Mum had a brain seizure or her seizure, when she was at Officeworks picking me up some booklets for a funeral that was upcoming, and she drove somehow from Ferntree Gully to Dandenong after having a seizure, stormed into the office. And I was in the office on the phone to a client that I had to call because it was a new service and she was speaking jibberish, and I thought, "oh, my god, mum's been possessed. So I said to her you like, speak English":. And then we realized something wasn't right. I had to say to a family on the phone "I'm so, so sorry, I have to hang up. I think my mum's having a stroke. Please call. And I gave another family director's number and I said please tell them. Ellese from Templeton has recommended them. I'm so sorry, I have to go" and I hung up. And he's like, oh, he didn't get to say my wife passed away, and he's like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry", you know.
Ellese:And then from that moment I had to deal with my own ambulance and um, and from there obviously things uh, progressed and we realized she had brain cancer, but that day I couldn't even go with her in the ambulance because I had to work there to finish. It was heartbreaking, like really heartbreaking. It's actually a bit sad, but, um, yeah, that was really heartbreaking. And then, when Mum passed away, I was pregnant, uh, literally due to have my first, our first, her first granddaughter, my first baby and um, and she was in palliative care at one, two and a half. And here I am getting induced to have a baby opposite, literally across the road in between, answering phone calls for funerals Like it was insane. And my sister still had to go to work. My Mum died 24 hours after my daughter was born and I literally we're like "Mum, we can't even deal with you Like we've got business to run and I've got a new one I don't even know what I'm doing.
Ellese:So Mum just had to hang in the fridge for 10 days because we didn't have time to deal with her. But you know what, On the flip of that, Mum would have appreciated it. Even in palliative care for a month she would recommend our business, knowing her own fate. And so you know she's a funeral director. And she came in our care. It was nice to be able to see her every day.
Ellese:Yeah, it was really nice to be able to see her every day, but we arranged the funeral ourselves.
Robyn:And it was a beautiful funeral. It was a beautiful funeral.
Ellese:But yes, and we were lucky again, the industry pulled together A lot of family. Other family funeral directors would reach out and say do you need any assistance? Help, do you want us to do anything? It was really beautiful, um, and they're supportive as well. We're not, they were, we're not competition.
Robyn:And that's, I think, what's the beauty of that smaller family, funeral directors are you know? I know, um, when a friend's uh partner died last year and I rang you and said, you know, and you just said, "Robyn, I don't have capacity. I'm so sorry, but I don't have capacity, and I so appreciated that, rather than be squashed in and know that it's not going to be
Ellese:I can't do that. (R: Yeah) , and I've realised that in having my own family and losing Mum, that if we can't, if we cannot accommodate these families, and Mum died we actually had a message to s"please, we've had our own family tragedy, please contact..... And we had three funeral doctors we'd recommend in different areas to help families.
Ellese:(R:Yeah) and that's how we got by and I learned since then and since having kids it's okay to say no, (R: yes), because I never had a holiday. I never did anything, I spent, you know, I'm breastfeeding and trying to do work and I'm not seeing milestones. I was getting too absorbed in it, because I wanted to look after every family and I didn't have enough staff. And then I realised you know what, at the end of the day, there is no harm in saying to this family "we can accommodate you, but this is our first availability.
Robyn:And that's fantastic
Ellese:And you know what Robyn? When that happens they say "no worries, we'll wait".
Robyn:That's right.
Ellese:And then I go, 'oh my God',
Robyn:That's right, it's going to be even busier later',
Ellese:yeah but it doesn't matter.
Ellese:(R: No, it doesn't does it?) They show you that, yes, they're willing to wait to get the service level of what this company is.
Robyn:Because they know you're going to. Yeah, they know you're going to do that. So let me ask you what's the strangest request you've ever had? Have you had something that's strange?
Ellese:Oh, I have yes, but one that always sticks out is the person that passed away had gold teeth , he had six gold teeth or something and the kids are li" 'we want his teeth"and I said well, I actually said, I actually thought they were joking. (R: Yeah), I said yeah, no, literally what you said.
Robyn:es did you not like react on your face?
Ellese:I said do you want me to look into that? And they said "yeah, absolutely, but they're worth money. This is what they're saying. Now I spoke to a dentist. They're not. They're not full gold, like, it's only plated anyway. Oh, there's no possible way. The dentist is like, unless you can bring the person in, it's a full. No, I said to the family, unless you, I don't know. I still don't know how that would work.
Ellese:And also one thing I learned, another one that was very interesting, is I dealt with a family and, due to their traditions, they said to me after the cremation, like they said "I want my husband's hyoid bone. I said what said that? I have no idea. No, anyway, it's a part of the spine, one of the bones up the top of the spine, the base of the neck, I believe. And I said, "well, I'm not a surgeon. Yeah, like we have to have a funeral. I can't like, I don't even know. So I said, "well, it wouldn't happen beforehand. I said are you talking after the cremation? And she said yes, I just want to.
Ellese:So I always say to my family look. I'm always going to look into it. Whatever the request is, leave it with me. That's probably one of my favourite words 'Leave it with me', no worries, leave it with me. So I did my own research, I worked out what this bone is and I realised this bone looks like a Buddha. So when you Google the bone, he has his arms out, like a prayer kind of thing, with his legs, with the little knob which obviously connects to your spine, which then gives the look of a head. So it's like a little Buddha. So after doing my own research and ringing the crematorium and I explained to them this is the request, and they said "oh my god. Well, the only way you get through that is you have to sit through the bones. But there's no way of guaranteeing after the cremation this bone would be left,
Robyn:Would be in one piece.
Ellese:It's meant to be so I said, "no worries, let me do that. So I think I was like 25 or something. And after the cremation I said to the family "Leave it with me, I'll see if I can do it. There's no guarantee you'll have to understand this". She said I understand, but I appreciate you doing this for me. I found the bone. (R: Oh wow), and it looked exactly like the picture. (R: Really?) it was the happiest day of my life.
Robyn:You know what's going to happen now, don't you? All these people are going to be wanting to get that bone.
Ellese:No, it's not, but it was very interesting and I returned it to the family. (R: Wow), yeah, like it was a little bit, not as fully intact, but as soon as I found it I knew exactly what it was. (R: Wow), it never happened again. But it just shows you every day is so different, every family is so different.
Robyn:Absolutely. You learn something every single day. I know. I know I always find it fascinating as a celebrant that I don't like, I was never into history. I hated history at school and all that sort of stuff. And suddenly I know so much about history now through people's stories, through their experiences in PNG and all you know during the war and everything. I knew nothing and was not interested in that at all. And then you suddenly start learning from a personal perspective and suddenly it opens up a whole lot of new ways of thinking for you and stuff like that.
Robyn:So tell me, what about you now? What are your final wishes? Do you want to be buried? Do you want to be cremated? And has working in this industry influenced that decision?
Ellese:The funny thing is I always say to Sheree, do you know what I want? Because I focus so much on my other families that I actually would be like I need someone like me to help me through it. I want to be cremated, I definitely don't want to be buried, but I always joke that I um would love to die, you know in a position like snow white and be in this glass coffin.
Ellese:Obviously you can't make that, so it's only to show um this see-through glass cup, and then it's just filled the bottle with flowers and petals and I'm just looking gorgeous in a gown and everyone literally could see me. So it's kind of cool. But then afterwards you'd have to put me in another coffin to cremate me. So then maybe that was put me in something. I don't know. I don, I don't know, I don't know, do know but I know that I would definitely want two photo presentations, one of my family life and one of my career as a funeral director, because I feel like I've got some really cool from when I first started even you know the different styles of the uniforms that we Mum, having mum in there, exhumations that I did in my overalls and my PPE and mortuary. I've got a lot of cool flipbook of my path that I just am really (R: Yeah) of. Yeah, and even my children. You know. My daughter knows the five crematoriums in Melbourne when she was, four she was responding to that.
Robyn:you think are some of the biggest challenges you face in your work?
Ellese:As in, would you say as in with the families, or in the industry?
Robyn:No with families.
Ellese:The biggest challenge, to be honest with you, is it can be really draining. The difficulties are that families sometimes it's really hard. They don't realise they've got 16 other families we're looking after and sometimes the arranging each family and looking after them and being available and mentally available and physically available.
Ellese:The challenge is trying to make sure that you do have that work-life balance because if you don't, you can be like sucked in and I can't do it like that and I will say to my team I need you to overlook something. I actually cannot. I need to make sure I've covered all bases because I put so much energy and so much passion into each family that it with grief, with their own family issues, and then I go home and then I'm doing my own family and sometimes you know the phone 8pm ring at o'clock night, night I'm not on call. I'm thinking why?(R: Yeah) Yeah, I have to put my child to bed. I'm missing out on that snuggle single time. So we do my and And one thing I have changed about my business and I think funeral directors are still- doing it. I some are in Yard, but we really or rarely do funerals on the weekend.
Ellese:That is my family time All my girls and Russell that works with me. We have families and, to be honest, I've come to realise that we are only here once, as we all know, we all have that conversation, , and my clients that come to me also know I am a mother, I am got young children and they can wait until the afternoon, or they can wait until when I, or they can wait until the when I'm available to go over things, and that's okay., I can go on a holiday, that's okay. , and I've got other people that can care for them. But that is one challenge I think every funeral director would face is that balancing that you are not dead yourself, your family, and don't let those years go by. And then you're dealing with your own death, with like with my parents, and you say, what the hell I worked through all of it yeah that's a little bit unfair and we can't punish ourselves just because we're in this industry.
Ellese:We need to be able to say no. We need to be able to do your calendar that you also have that balance, that you also do those school drop-offs, that you also walk your dog at night time, that you have a drink with your husband. You see that sunset it's okay to not answer the phone and you can call them back. Once when I was running from the shower to answer my phone and I slipped over, hit my head because I couldn't get the call. (R: Right) Now and I slipped over, hit my head because I couldn't get the hole (R: Right) Now five minutes later, I could have just rung them back.
Robyn:That's right.
Ellese:Do you know? It's okay and that is a challenge.
Robyn:So what do you wish more people knew about the funeral industry.
Ellese:I think people, I would love people if I could tell them one thing. I would say to them to have a discussion with their family to find out what your wishes are and then look into different companies. Look into family companies. A lot of people don't understand that just because you see a building on a street, down the road or in your suburb, that that is all that's there. You have choices with things. Look into it and there's no rush. Some families feel like they have to rush things. It's a really important journey when a person passes away, and even us doing it with our own family. You know we did Mum within 10 days. I'm finding something. There's a stage where that. But when you first speak with them, they say it has to be happening in three days or we need to get on to this. You're you're not going to be able to absorb all this information and do it right. So it's okay. It's okay to take your time.
Robyn:I think we're getting better at that now like. If you go back to when we started, it was always just that three days, so as a celebrant you know the person would die, they'd meet with the funeral director generally that day. I'd see them the next day, I'd have to get the service to them the following day and then present it the day after and it was just like that, you know now....
Robyn:You know, when people ask me now, I say go at least a minimum of five days, preferably about a week. Yeah, because as a grief counsellor, I know that the the mind needs to talk to the heart, the brain needs to talk to the heart, and it can't do that while it's running around collecting clothes to be worn, getting photos together, doing all that sort of stuff. You've got to have some time to actually think about it and think about the loss that you're experiencing, to be able to then appreciate the..... You know so many of those ones from many years ago, y ou know they go. "Oh yeah, I wish I had thought about this, you know, but they had no time and now at least we've got some time to be able to do it.
Robyn:But time is against us now and you know we've talked about staying emotionally resilient and I think it's really hard in this role that we have. We've become so intensely involved with people for a very short time and uh, and just recently I had a funeral where I did the last surviving member of that family. So I'd done this guy's sister's funeral first 20 years ago, then mum, then dad, then his brother-in-law, and all that's left now is one niece of that whole family and I felt so privileged to have walked that, like you, to have walked that whole journey with that family, but immensely sad that this young woman has now on her own and has no extended family. There's no aunties, there's no uncles, there's no one, you know,
Ellese:Yeah, it always has to stop
Robyn:And it's you know it's really hard.
Robyn:It's really hard to sort of. You know like, know that sort of stuff and know that we really can't do anything more about that. You know we can guide them in a direction, but that's it. You know we can't stay with one family forever.
Ellese:You know they do, they do, they do your family like they. That's your funeral, your celebrant. That's your dentist, you know one,
Robyn:One family said to me um, you know, when I was saying goodbye, I think that was number seven funeral that I'd done, but they'd all been older, you know, except for one of the next generation down. And one of them said to me "you know, Robyn, it just wouldn't be a Stabb funeral without you, you know, and it's such a beautiful thing. You know, fortunately we've had a couple of weddings in there as well. So, you know, I'm a bit kind of like luckier than you because I've got that little balance, but not that I like weddings all that much, but you know, it's all good.
Robyn:Okay, so to wrap up our sessions, as a big fan of the active studio, I'm going to take a leaf from their book and ask a series of questions to each of our guests. So what is your favorite word and why?
Ellese:My favourite word? " Leave it with me
Robyn:What is the thing you are most grateful for in your life?
Ellese:My family.
Robyn:If you could work in any other role rather than what you do now, what would it have been?
Ellese:It would have been forensics. (R: Oh, really?) yeah or the police.
Ellese:That's where I was heading before I got into the funeral directing.
Robyn:What is the sound that you love the most?
Ellese:My kids laughing.
Robyn:If you could have (I think I already know the answer to this one) if you could have dinner with one person, living or dead, who would it?
Ellese:It would be my parents.
Robyn:I knew it was going to be. And what do you think is the most important lesson you've learned in your life so far?
Ellese:Never take life for granted and enjoy every moment.
Robyn:That's such a common thing from everybody in this industry isn't?
Ellese:It's also to say no. You know, it's also to say no.
Robyn:Yeah, yeah,
Ellese:To yourself
Robyn:And directly from the Actors Studio. If there is a heaven, what would you want God to say to you when you're met at the pearly gates?
Ellese:I would like him to say "welcome Elisa. All your clients are waiting for you inside to party. Welcome Elise, all your clients are waiting for you inside to party.
Robyn:Thank you so much for your time. Ellese Templeton, what can I call you? The 'very amazing last emergency responder' as we wrap up this podcast.
Robyn:If you have a question you would like to ask or another related occupation you'd like to learn more about, please drop an email to ask@ ladyofdeath. com. au and we will look at possibly doing a podcast of the questions you've always wanted to know but never knew or were game enough to ask.
Robyn:This is Robyn O'Connell, the Lady of Death, whose philosophy is organising your final farewell is not about wanting to die. It's about wanting to reflect who you are in your goodbye.
Robyn:Thanks, see you next time
Robyn:.